Ready

I admit it. I was freaking out about the hair thing. You guys are great for coming to my rescue with reassurance and even the odd tale of successful pregnancies that were accompanied by hair loss! I also admit to perhaps being a little over dramatic about the state of my hair loss. It's normal hair loss; I'm not going bald or anything. I just wanted to see it stop completely while pregnant.

Other symptoms are strong: sore boobs, a permanent hungover-like feeling (retching, but no actual spewing). And I make it only a bit over 4 weeks,* so I'm hoping that's a good sign.

In other news, we have sold out house! Not only that, but we made considerably more than we expected to. I have to laugh when I think that I have managed to get knocked up at exactly the same time as entering into the whole property sale and purchase game, a well known stressor. But I'm fairly relaxed about the property stuff. And to be honest, I'm not all that stressed over the pregnancy.

A few people in the comments to my last post asked why I didn't go to my OB for beta tests. And there are a couple of reasons. In the UK, you don't normally get referred to an OB unless you are a high risk pregnancy. Now technically, I am now in that category, so I could request a referral, but it's a hassle. And, frankly I don't want to know. Honestly, I'll find out soon enough whether I've managed to kill off yet another one. Knowing my betas are falling won't stop that and will just add another layer of despair to the whole sad tale. So, no, I am going to wait it out. Given the timing and gestational sac sizes of my past miscarriages, I would expect that by 8 weeks, if I still have a living foetus, I might just have a chance of a live baby. But even then there are no guarantees.

I got to thinking about that last night, that there are no guarantees. And there aren't. My baby could die before it even turns into something resembling a human being. It could survive pregnancy only to die near the due date, during birth, or hours after emerging from my womb: I 'know' women who have gone through each of those. A perfectly health newborn could die mysteriously in its cot. A toddler wanders off and drowns; a child gets leukaemia and dies; a teenager tries drugs and overdoses; an adult child is killed in a car wreck. There are no guarantees of life. In fact, the only guarantee is that we will lose at least some of those we love; the others will lose us.

And although that is a sad, tragic truth, it has actually helped me. I am not the only one to ever have experienced loss. I know that because I have 'met' all you amazing women who are struggling with your losses: babies, siblings, parents, grandparents. Innocence. If this baby dies, then at least I am spared from the possibility of what I feel must be a far greater pain of losing a living child.

I'm still mad at God. But not for being either unwilling or unable to save my babies (and it has to be one or the other); only for not making sure that we all know the truth about him, so that we're not surprised when grief ambushes us. And I guess eventually I'll even get over that. God is becoming part of my life again because I can accept that contrary to what we're taught, he is flawed.

So, heading towards 5 weeks of pregnancy, I am ready for the day I see the blood. It won't shock or surprise me. It will make me cry, but I'll never again be unprepared.

* According to my LMP, I should be 5w2d, but as we know, the OPK wizz stick didn't smile at me until CD18, which means CD19 or even 20 for the big O (no, the other one). So counting from CD19 for ovulation, that would make me 4w4d today.

Comments

[Ann]

That was very profound what you wrote about loss. It's worth remembering that every day is precious and that we should treasure every moment that we have with the ones we love (even though that's not always easy).

Maybe the new house will be your good luck charm! I sincerely hope that you go all the way with this pregnancy. You'll have a lot of people rooting for you!

[Kath]

Dear Lola, that is a very Stoic way of seeing things -- and I have personally always found the Stoics more helpful than anything else.

I'm sending you all my best hopes for a long, healthy, boring pregnancy, my dear, and for great joys ahead.

Congratulations on the house!

[Clarissa]

OMG---DID I JUST HEAR THE RIGHT THING!!??

LOLA--I popped onto Lam to see how everyone was and saw this explosion of BFP's and thought oh what the heck I'll POAS and WHAMO BFP for mee too!! (I'm about 3 weeks-but bfp) HOLY HOLY HOLY!!!!
XOXO Write me! Clarissa

[Cara]

Congrats on the house! I need pics of the new place!

You're right about loss. We'll all experience it one way or the other. Its part of life. I'm praying its not going to happen to you for a long, long time. How about when diabetes gets cured? At the rate its going, we're looking at a good 50 years or so. I don't think the drug co's want to lose the $.

Everything's crossed!

[thalia]

I'm glad you can focus on what might be, as well as what might not be. I hope that this keeps on being the one that might be.

[Krystal]

I recently had many of the same thoughts, Lola. I've decided to try to remain absolutely positive about this pregnancy. I've just got to keep going day by day hoping he or she stays with me until sometime in December and it sounds like you're doing the same! Hopefully, in our cases, the power of positive thinking will see us through it all!

I really do hope this is the little one you bring home! In the meantime, you have all the support you need to get through the grueling first trimester and beyond!

*hug*

[Jill]

I'm hoping and praying that this pregnancy will end in a healthy baby in your arms. Pregnancy after losses can be stressful, but it sounds like you are coping very well with everything.

You're so right about the fact that loss is an inevitable part of life and that there are no guarantees. My losses brought up a lot of questions for me about life and about God. I, too, was mad at God because of my recurrent miscarriages. I read a book called "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey that was helpful (it's written from a Christian perspective). I thought I would mention it just in case you or anyone else might be interested in it or find it to be helpful.

Congratulations on selling your house. I hope that you will have much happiness in your new home.