Yeah, Uh Huh, Thanks

Before Mr B and I got married, back in 2003/2004, we used to go to church. Not regularly, really, but periodically. We wanted to get married in church, and I thought it was kind of rude to just show up and pay and use the church for your nuptials. No, better we should at least try to be part of the community. And mainly it was OK. The minister was an American (a ginormous one at that, but I digress), and he was pretty cool all things considered. The congregation were all quite nice, and I even ended up volunteering to put together the quarterly church newsletter.

Three miscarriages later, Mr B and I have found our faith in God shaken to the core. And not just in a "Why is God so mean to us" way, but in a truly questioning the basic theological tenets of Christianity way. We stopped attending church, and I stopped submitting the newsletter.

Eventually, Rev'd Giant American went back to America and the church got a new minister, Helen. She e-mailed me to ask about what happened to the newsletters. I explained about our miscarriages and our shaken faith, but said that I felt I would like to keep doing the newsletter even though we felt unable to attend church. I expected to get at least some interest in the whole shattered faith thing. After all, this was a minister. Her whole job, indeed her whole life if you believe in ministers being 'called' to walk the pastoral road, revolved around helping people to examine and live their faith, right?

Only not so much. I got two short paragraphs of platitudes, ending with some guff about God being there whether we believed in him or not. Right. Thanks.

I've done 3 newsletters since then, and every single one makes me want to vomit. All this mindless crap about God and faith being spouted, in among the notices for bake sales and coffee mornings. I mean, where is the examination of the theology? Where are the tough questions and the hard answers?

So, yesterday, having finished the latest edition, I sent it to Helen and told her that she needed to find someone else. That I was finding it increasingly difficult to put together material for a God and a church I no longer believed in. I admit it; it was a test. I wanted to see if she would show any more interest than she did last time? Would she ring me up and try to find out where my journey has taken me? Would she e-mail me back, quoting scripture that might help? What do you think?

I had an e-mail from her today: "I'm sorry your faith in God hasn't recovered. I'll look for someone else."

And that was it.

I don't know where God is, but I can tell you exactly where he isn't.

Comments

[anna]

wow. i am so sorry...i feel like i need to apologize for her. sheesh. and we wonder why people leave the church...hmm.

[katharine]

How very "Holy" of her. It is people like that, that make me question organized religion.

[Kath]

Dear Lola, I'm so sorry she left you in the lurch like that. You would think a pastor would want to reach out to her flock when their faith is shaken... because if it's all about platitudes and easy answers or nothing, then her role isn't really worth much, is it?

[Cara]

Why the hell would Helen become a minister if she can't even make a feeble attempt to help a member? What a dumbass. Is she over 50? She sounds like the kind who never question, never wonder, just take everything as offered. God made me question, like it or not, so I do. You don't like it? Take it up with God, she's the one you're irritated with, not me.

Glad you gave up the newsletter. You don't need that kind of crap in addition to everything else on your tray.

[bunny]

I hate that.

Platitudes suck. I've been a Christian for many years and the older I get the less use I have for platitude spouting.

The nice thing about the book of Job is that after his "three friends" finish spouting chapters and chapters and chapters of platitudes at him, God shows up and sets them straight.

The truth is, if anyone claims to have answers to why bad things happen, usually they are simply dead wrong. Life is a mystery. We see through a glass darkly.

And what kind of minister cannot come and share your pain and your struggle, instead throwing a platitude at you? I suspect one who has not gone thru the crucible of pain.

[Kellie]

Yet another reason I hate organized religion....

I would have a very hard time putting my "faith" in anyone who acted like that.

I certainly can't fault you for giving up the newsletter.

[Krystal]

That's just wrong. I'm not even Christian and I've been known to help my Christian friends through spiritual rough spots from time to time.

Sounds like she's not even worth attending church for. If she can't take the time out to try to aid a member whose faith has been shaken to the core, she's not a very good pastor. Most of them would reach out to you and try to offer guidance rather than just giving you the shaft. :(

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with THAT crap on top of everything else!

[Lorem]

Instead of preaching about how she told you so, it would have been nice if she'd said a prayer for you. It'd do her good.

[Sarah]

Sounds like a good situation to get yourself out of!

[Emily]

My father's Cancer was "upgraded" to terminal and 2 weeks later my mother was diagnosed w/ Uterine Cancer. Just a few months after that I miscarried.

So, can you imagine the Platitudes that were thrown my direction. How many times did I hear "God will never give you more than you can bare" to which I kindly responded that God gives me WAY to much credit.

You know what I really wanted to hear? Sorry. A simple I'm sorry and I care. When these types of circumstances enter our lives, sometimes we just need someone to come down and sit with us in our despair and share the heartache with us.

I know how it is to question God, I can't tell you the number of times I have recently. A wise women gave me the best advice when I was in the thick of it. She said instead of rejecting God (I was just about to!), sit back and tell God that right now you need a break and that right now you need God to prove himself to you.

Best platitude I ever received!

[Jill]

Lola, I feel for you. I am a Christian and I have miscarried five times. Recurrent miscarriages are a nightmare. My faith was shaken, too.

After my third miscarriage, I was angry with God, and I questioned everything about Christianity. I felt abandoned, as if my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling (when I did pray, that is, which wasn't often at that time). It was a desert time.

Over two years later, I can now say that in questioning, I learned a lot about God's love, truth, and grace. Life is still hard, but today I have more peace. My faith is much more often a source of great comfort than a source of doubt and angst. I hope that it will be the same for you.

I can see that you are troubled by your shaken faith and that you were really hoping that your minister would throw you a spiritual life preserver. I don't blame you for feeling disappointed in her; she missed a great opportunity to talk with you. She is a minister, but she is a seriously flawed person (like I am, like we all are).

I hope that you don't think that just because she didn't seem to care about what you're going through that God doesn't care. He does care; he loves you.

I'm not going to spout platitudes, but I do encourage you to pray and to tell God how you feel--the anger, the doubts, the fear, the disappointment, everything. He can take it. I did that, and I asked God to help me to want to believe and to help me to want to trust him...and that was an important step for me towards the renewal of my faith.

I know this is a stressful time for you, and I am so hoping that your ultrasound goes well tomorrow. I'm praying for you and for your baby, for health, for peace, for happiness, for a renewal of faith, for all good things. Hang in there.

P.S.--Please feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to talk in more detail. It sounds like we have a lot in common.

P.S.S.--I'm sorry my comment hogged up so much space on your blog!

[Tonya]

Hi I am new to your blog.. I just wanted to say I am glad you stopped the newsletter.. I personally am not a religious person and don't go to church or anything like that but I cant believe you were treated that way.. I mean they are supposed to help people right? errr obviously not at that church!!

[Lorem]

ps I didn't expect to read platitudes in your comments, either, but there they are. Sorry you had to see it.

[Lorem]

ps2 Even if they're not called platitudes, that's what they are. Thou shalt not lie.