Still Flying, Still Crying

Twelve week scan yesterday showed everything progressing just fine. In fact, the UFO is measuring an entire week ahead. I find that highly amusing, because having inched my way forward week by excruciating week towards the hallowed 12-week 'things might just be OK' point, I ended up speeding right by it to 13 weeks! Of course, I know when I ovulated, so I know I am only 12 weeks in reality, but all the medical notes now say 13. And you can't argue with medical notes.

I'm not quite sure what to do now. I've relaxed a little bit more, to the point where I am now starting to feel survivor's guilt. I am keenly aware of all the women who are still trying to conceive or who have just experienced yet another miscarriage. Or those who have experienced their first, but know too much from the infertile sisterhood about recurrent loss, and wonder if they will be the next to be placed in that category. I worry about the women who are about to discover a missed miscarriage, who will have to go through the agony of knowing they carried their dead child within them for a week, perhaps two or three. I grieve already for that 1% of women who have had one miscarriage and have convinced themselves that next time it will be OK, but who will go on to experience recurrent loss. I feel the desperation of those who have just had a second loss yet know they will not receive help until they have had a third. And most of all I feel guilty that I seem somehow to have come out the other side on this one.

Of course, nothing is ever certain in this reproduction thing. I could still find myself the mother of another dead child. The hospital will scan my cervix at 16 weeks to ensure that repeated D&Cs have not left me with a potential second trimester time bomb. I also insisted that they swab me for bacterial vaginosis, another cause of late miscarriage. I found an article online that said that late miscarriages "are almost always the result of a rare catastrophic incident or an ever rarer genetic mishap". That means the likelihood is very low. Of course, so was the likelihood of three recurrent losses. So was the likelihood of a miscarriage after having seen foetal heart activity at 6 weeks. But they happened. I'm not counting chickens too soon.

Yet, I still find myself burdened by this sense that somehow I am betraying those women who are still suffering. No, burdened is not the right word, because it is not a burden. It is a memorial. A not-so-gentle reminder that babies die in their mothers' wombs; that sometimes our bodies betray us by consistently failing to conceive; that human reproduction is ruled by nature, and nature can be cruel in its emotionless, efficient disposal of less-than-perfect embryos.

To my sisters who are still struggling: I cannot forget, nor do I wish to.

Comments

[Vivien]

You should have no guilt about a successful pregnancy. It is not your fault, any more than losing the previous three were, and you bring hope to people like me, still hoping that it is possible to have a successful pregnancy after a succession of miscarriages.

All the best of luck, Lola, and thank you for being sensitive.

[Cara]

Drop that Catholic guilt, please. I'm thrilled you have come out on the other side.

Watch out for listeria, too. I was paranoid about it with the kids. I avoided soft cheeses, deli meats, most fish, etc. Its mostly in the soft cheeses and deli meats, but I was a fanatic about my food. Which is funny for me.

Continued prayers for you and bambino. I pray those scans keep being positive in every way

[Shanna]

Lola,
You are the hope that keeps me going these days. You of all people should never consider this success of yours as betrayal. I know I am not saying this the right way. But like Vivien said, you give us hope that it can happen for us too.
How exciting to just skip ahead a week too. Were you always an over achiever? ;)
Stop the dang guilt right now and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy. I want to have someone to email in a panic when it is my turn and you will be able to calm me down and get me through it all since you will be the experienced 'fearless" leader.
As a current member of the Silver Cervix club, I guess I may have to take over where you left off and would dearly love to be able to lay down the crown and move onto the same club you are in now. I, for one, do not feel betrayed by you but feel so very happy, as if I knew you in real life and would ever actually get to see and hold that baby of yours.
So take care and know that we are very happy for you, and did you know I was long winded? ;)

[Krystal]

Hmm... implantation could have occurred earlier than expected, which would have you measuring a bit ahead. Oh, well... who cares about all that, right? You're doing great and so is the baby!!

On another note, I have been feeling a bit guilty these days as well. There are so many women still out there struggling with infertility, miscarriage, and fighting against the odds in general, yet it has managed to work out for me... so far. I just feel awful to have left people "behind" including one of my own sisters who is trying to get pregnant after losing an ovary to an ectopic a few years ago. :(

All in all... there is nothing we can do except remember who we are and where we came from. Like you said, I'll never forget.

[Kath]

Dear Lola, that was beautiful. I can imagine how you feel about being on "the other side" now -- but I can say that I am happy for you with all my heart, and that I hope everything continues to go splendidly well. Your story does indeed bring hope.

Very funny that the UFO decided to have a growth spurt now!

[julie]

I'm very glad and hopeful for you and the UFO. I know its normal to feel some guilt for being successful, and I hope that will counter the fears that will continue to pop up. So far, so good; savor the moment.
And congratulations!

[stephanie]

Thank you for putting into words what I am feeling. I too feel really guilty right now. I don't even know what to blog about.

As for the growth thing, I am also measuring about 5 days ahead. Since I know I ovulated CD13 or 14, they are not changing my EDD. The DR told me that it is just bigger, not developing faster. I still think bigger is good! I measured behind last time and always thought it was a bad thing, turns out it was.

So when are you due? the first week of Jan?

[Steven Davies]

Bacterial vaginosis is one of the most frequent vaginal infections and if there is no treatment it may have severe gynaecological and obstetric consequences such as pelvic inflammatory disease, miscarriage and preterm delivery(2). Even if BV is successfully cured with commonly used antibiotics, the recurrence rate has been reported as high as 80% after 9 months